Saturday, March 12, 2005

This Explains It...

My first guest blogger ever provides some insight into that utterly bizarre Russell Crowe kidnapping story. In case you haven't heard about this, several years ago the New Zealand actor apparently was the target of a kidnapping plot - which he now says was planned by Al Qaeda. Apparently Al Qaeda wanted to abduct a Western cultural icon - and Crowe, fresh from his Oscar winning performance in GLADIATOR, seemed to fit their requirements...


By Evil Willow

Cultural De-Stabilization of the West, indeed...

So, when I first heard about this, I thought,
Look! Up in the sky, Miss Piggy and Porky Pig ARE
FLYING! Shit! Who Knew?

Then, I thought. The omnipotent and immeasurably
brilliant Mr. Crowe's knowledge of Arabic languages is
probably a little rusty (no pun intended). So, I'm
sure his translation of what Osama or some other
high-ranking Al-Qaida (Al-Qaidan?)operative is off by
a few words. You know this order came high from

Osama and/or one of his most trusted minions probably
said something like,
'You know this Russell Crowe fellow. He's really
working my last nerve. Plus, I always liked the other
guy from "L.A. Confidential" better. You know the
hot, thin one who was in that movie that was backward?
I want Crowe to go away now. We can release a press
statement about how we committed this act to
culturally de-stabilize the Western infidels or
something. I'm just sick of him!'

I got a picture of Osama with a list of Western public
figures who the al-Qaida could destroy as a symbolic
gesture to, um, de-stabilize Western cultural
Let's see,
1. The pope? Nope
2. Dubya? Nope.
3. Condi? Nope.
4. Dan Rather. Nope. Plus, he got fired from his
job. Nobody likes a loser.
How about one of those over-compensated Hollywood
Let's see -
1. Harrison Ford, star of the last century? Nah.
2. Julia Roberts, still the biggest female star on
the planet? Nope. Plus, who will raise her children?
Those 15 nannies?
3. Tom Cruise? Nah, I mean, sure we're Al-Qaida and
we're scary and all, but those Scientologists? Don't
wanna piss them off!
4. Johnny Carson? Woops! Nah.
5. Mel Gibson? He made Jesus Christ an It-boy again.
Nah. He's scarier than the Scientologists.
6. Hey, waitaminuit -- that guy, the one who's 1/19th
Maori warrior. You know the one who looks like the
model for Chucky the killer doll? Yeah! Him. Once
we get HIM out of the way, we will bring the West to
its knees.

Yeah, I'm sure that's the way it played out in Osama's

Bored Now.


Thank you, Evil Willow. I'll sleep much better tonight...

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